By: Belle O. Mapa
You know how people say, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” And you get it. You’re literally on the same page. Except there’s this annoying voice in your head that knows a million ways to say “I’m not good enough.”
Sometimes the voice is quiet—like when you’re doing everyday tasks, or on nights spent binge-watching another K-drama. Sometimes the voice replays awkward conversations in your head just to make you cringe in public. Other days—and here’s the clincher—the voice can yell. And the yelling can get in the way of your goals and dreams.
How many times did your self-doubt make you feel awkward in a conversation you were totally welcome in? How many times did “I’m not good enough” keep you from making life-changing choices? How many more times will “I’m not good enough” stop you from being your best self?
You deserve to feel better about yourself. You deserve to thrive, to feel worthy. Honey, you gotta break up with your self-loathing. (Don’t worry, we got you girl.)
How many more times will “I’m not good enough” stop you from being your best self?
The solution to self-loathing and self-criticism isn’t positivity. It’s self-compassion.
Here’s the first thing you need to know about loving yourself more.
Positivity means only dwelling on the good stuff and possibly denying the bad stuff. Self-compassion is about kindness, understanding, and authenticity. It’s not about sweeping those nasty thoughts and feelings under a rug. It’s about finally taking a look at yourself, flaws and all, and being okay with it. We can work through it. Just be patient with yourself. Healing and progress don’t happen overnight!
Be conscious of your self-talk language
Evolutionary psychologists have literally proven that you focus on your flaws and failures way more than other people do. It’s negativity bias—bad experiences seem worse than they really are. And our brains sometimes won’t shut up about it.
Listen (but don’t react) to the voice in your head. Do they use more positive or negative words? When does the voice get louder? What activities or instances trigger the self-doubt spiral? How much of what they say is based on expectations vs. reality?
Give the voice a name. And talk back. (Mine’s Felicia so I have the satisfaction of blocking her when she gets mean).
Incorporate self-care into your morning ritual
Carve out 15 minutes in the morning and in the evening for just you. So you can start off and end your day on a high note. Prioritize your wellness and your future self. It could be as simple as a skincare routine, creative practice, meditation, or a quick workout. Self-critique can take a toll on our physical health just as much as our physical health. Think: inflammation, chronic illness, heartburn. So it’s just as important to take care of our bodies.
Create a self-care menu you can turn to on tough days. When you can, prioritize the hard stuff you know will make you happier.
Schedule meetings with your inner critic. Don’t go over-time
Sometimes, we need to acknowledge the presence of negative emotions. How else can we move past them? See if you can set time in your day, say 30 minutes or an hour, to just let yourself feel. Make sure you’re in a safe space. Curl up in your fave blanket. Bring out a journal and let it out. But don’t go over-time. Set boundaries around your feelings. Let them know you’re still in control of how you express them.
Air out the concerns of your inner critic. What are they judging you for? And then pushback on their comments if you think they’re uncalled for. You deserve your chance to defend yourself, too. End the meeting with action steps: What can I do to address my feelings of self-doubt so they can stop bugging me?
Overthinking again? Brain dump your thoughts.
There’s so much power in expressing your inner thoughts through journaling. Especially when our self-doubt gets the better of us. Take a blank page and a pen, and just dump everything down. It’s an exercise in turning off your inner editor and just letting the words flow. You might find some things appear like, “I’m not good enough” or “Why am I so awkward.” But, hey, maybe later on in the page you’ll find yourself talking back, “I want to be better.” Or, “You know what? I got this.”
Don’t be afraid to reach out to good, high-quality people
We’re all social beings at the end of the day. Maybe that’s why our self-doubt won’t stop talking—it just needs someone to vent to. Call in a friend, a mentor, a therapist, or a family member. Someone you can be open and vulnerable with. Get yourself signed up for a support group or community. Join a workshop. Be around people who motivate you to rise up and thrive. It makes a whole world of a difference.
And of course, remember: Progress isn’t linear. Take it one step, one day, one page at a time. Be kind to yourself and others. Take care!
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