An Open Letter to Parents of Queer Kids

By: Mommy Zarin

Whether it came as a surprise or your instincts already knew it to be true, the moment your child comes out of their closet is a pivotal moment for us parents, too.

Perhaps it’s raising 6 very different children that helped me understand what most parents struggle with. What works for one rarely works for the next. As parents, it’s our duty to know them and understand how we can be there for them through the defining moments of their lives.

Our house is a happy home. It’s full of singing, painting, and playing. I have 2 girls and 4 boys, all of which, I’d say are very active children.

But among all, Marley was always the quiet one. He has always been my right hand. He’s the one I count on when I need the dining table prepped ala Marie Antoinette. He knows his way around the kitchen and knows how I love to prepare meals for the family.

The day he told me he was Queer

One day, in the summer of 2013, Marley and I were home alone. I was in my dresser brushing my hair and getting ready to fetch the kids from their respective summer camps. Marley knocked on my door and asked if he could come in and talk to me. I told him, of course, and he made his way to me.

As I would with any of my children, I asked him to brush the parts of my hair I could not reach and so he did. There was nothing special about that day, except for the fact he was quieter than ever. He was breathing heavily and I could feel the tension from where I sat.

There was a familiar little voice at the back of my head that has always known what he was about to say – maternal instincts, perhaps.

The silence was building and I felt his fear fill the room. It was one of those moments you see in films where the character is so afraid to say something but knows it’s now or never.

He broke his silence with “Mom, I have something important to tell you.”

I’ve practiced this moment so many times in my head. I’ve rehearsed different ways of responding. But when the time finally came, all I wanted was to make him feel as accepted as any parent can.

He continued and said, “I think I’m attracted to boys.”

So I replied as casually as possible to not make him shy away from the conversation. I told him that he could like whoever he prefers, so long as he puts his studies first. I gave him the same mandate I asked of his siblings when it comes to having crushes.

I told him that the person you become when you’re with your partner is a reflection of how they influence you. My rule is firm, regardless if you’re queer or straight.

After I said my piece, I heard a sigh of relief as if he had been holding his breath. He asked if I knew all along and I told him as his mom, I always had a feeling. He is my son, and that’s what I recognized.

After that conversation, he and I called for a family meeting and told the rest of the family. We ended that meeting with a group hug and the rest is history!

What his coming out has taught me

Since that day, Marley has taught me that we constantly have to re-educate ourselves to be better. His coming out reinforced what it means to love unconditionally. He taught me to want to keep being a better parent, a better example, and a better ally to the LGBTQ+ community.

Was I afraid? Of course. Not because I don’t think Marley is ready, but because the world may not be.

Like any parent, I’m scared that Marley won’t get the same opportunities. I’m scared that he might be judged. I’m so afraid that people will limit his growth because of his preferences. But that fear also inspires me to create waves of change in places I can.

What I remind him, every day

And as I raise his rainbow flag with him, I remind him to be his #1 ally. As much as I and the rest of the family will always be there to defend him, he will also have to stand up for himself. I remind him to use his voice and speak out for those who have yet to find the courage to do the same.

I remind him to treat himself with respect; to never settle for “okay,” when he knows he can do better. I tell him that “how you treat yourself will be the basis of how other people will treat you, so treat yourself well.”

I remind him to do better every chance he can. Whether it’s school, or work, or in honing his values – I hope he excels. I hope he becomes so great that his success will be undeniable. I hope he achieves so much that his orientation will not be a determining factor on whether or not he succeeds.

And I remind him to pray. I tell him to build a relationship with God. I remind him that everyone has a room in heaven, regardless of their orientation. Our God sees no gender or race. We are all his children and we are equally worthy of love.

The day he came out I asked him, “how long have you known?” and he told me, “since I was 7.”

Nothing has broken my heart as much as those words did. My heart broke at the thought that he had to live 6 years of his life pretending to be something he was not – straight.

If there’s anything I regret it’s not being able to make him feel he could come out earlier. I wish he found the courage sooner, that way he didn’t even have to struggle pretending he was straight.

Having a child is a blessing in itself – regardless of their sexual orientation. As parents, it is our job to assure them that they are loved, they are seen, and they are accepted as who they are.

If the world they grow up to see is a reflection of the world we create at home, I hope we, as parents, begin and end with love.

Proud Mommy of Marley,

Mommy Zar